Fall into my (new) home.
My body, for once, is so exhausted. I keep falling asleep around midnight or two and waking up around ten, still feeling like I could lay in bed for another couple of hours, but then there’s a slight headache and I force myself out of bed just so I don’t feel like crap all day. Laying in a bed alone was nice for a few nights, but once I hugged a pillow and imagined it was my stuffed turtle, then imagined the outline of her neck and shoulders and that tattoo, just like how many nights I fell asleep before, it just made me feel a little less alone.
A friend says to me today that it’s been a rough month, a feeling suicidal kind of month. Those moments I wonder if this apathy, the lost-ness, is an epidemic everywhere now. When are we gunna wake up and realize that we’re worthy? How many more nights are we going to walk home after a bar at 2 a.m. choking back tears and hearing our own voices in our head reminding us how we don’t want to wake up tomorrow?
I have to make a schedule, details details details. I always tell myself that if I keep moving forward then I won’t have time to be depressed. That kind of thinking is so wrong, because you end up imploding. The other night I dreamed I was getting ready to perform Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”. I was pacing back and forth, listening to it on my headphones before I got on stage like I used to. Someone comes by and wishes me good luck. Then I’m on stage, and several people get in front of me and are jumping around, singing along. Someone is throwing jewelry at them and they are putting it on. I stand behind them and keep singing along, but my voice is barely audible. It almost made me cry, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was getting to perform or just overwhelmed with too many people and sounds.
Fall is coming. It has always been my favorite season, but I’m not sure I’m ready this time.
